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iFAQ
Answers to your infrequently asked questions:
Q: How many marbles can you fit in your mouth at one time?
A: Twenty-three of the small ones, but only about 15 Elephant Eggs.
Q: Who’s the most famous person you’ve fought?
A: I once accidentally ran into Joss Whedon. But he backed down before it came to fisticuffs. I did arm-wrestle Oscar Robertson while in college.
Q: If you had a band, what would you call it?
A: My hypothetical punk-polka band used to be called “Bismarcky Marck and the Prussian Bunch,” but I recently changed the name to “Accordion to Jim.”
Q: What’s the deal with your name?
A: I’m named after the place I was conceived. That would be Van, Turkey.
Q: Where do you get your ideas?
A: From my brain. And sometimes other people’s brains.
Q: Do you have any phobias?
A: I don’t like clowns. Which made my brief time in Clown Club all the more unsettling.
Q: Clown Club?
A: Let’s not go there.
Q: Who would win in a fight between Wolverine and Batman?
A: Not sure who would win. The loser would be the self respect of anyone who cares.
Q: What’s the biggest mistake you’ve ever made?
A: Thinking I could make a living off of writing comics.
Q: What’s your favorite sports team?
A: The Seattle Supersonics, rest in peace.
Q: Favorite book?
A: Moby Dick.
Q: Favorite movie?
A: Tie between The Room, Troll 2, The Story of Ricky and Lone Wolf McQuade.
Q: Favorite animal?
A: Flying foxes, because they have the balls to call themselves foxes when they’re obviously bats.
Q: If you hadn’t gone into writing, what would you have done?
A: Landscape architecture. At least that’s what the aptitude tests said I should do.
Q: What’s the worst job you ever had?
A: I spent a summer in the Wal-Mart meat department, which was pretty horrid. But I also helped clean out a rental house where a guy had died and been eaten by his many cats. So I’d probably put that atop the list.
Q: Don’t you think this gimmick has run on long enough?
A: Yeah, probably.
