1. iFAQ

    Answers to your infrequently asked questions:

    Q: How many marbles can you fit in your mouth at one time?

    A: Twenty-three of the small ones, but only about 15 Elephant Eggs.

    Q: When is Ch’p coming back?

    A: It’s hard to recover from death-by-yellow-truck, so I wouldn’t hold your breath.

    Q: If you had a band, what would you call it?

    A: My hypothetical punk-polka band used to be called “Bismarcky Marck and the Prussian Bunch,” but I recently changed the name to “Accordion to Jim.”

    Q: What’s the deal with your name?

    A: I’m named after the place I was conceived. That would be Van, Turkey.

    Q: Where do you get your ideas?

    A: From my brain. And from that jar in the cellar.

    Q: Do you have any phobias?

    A: I don’t like clowns. Which made my brief time in Clown Club all the more unsettling.

    Q: Clown Club?

    A: Let’s not go there.

    Q: What’s the biggest mistake you’ve ever made?

    A: Thinking I could make a living off of writing comics.

    Q: What’s your favorite sports team?

    A: The Seattle Supersonics, rest in peace.

    Q: Favorite book?

    A: Moby Dick.

    Q: Favorite movie?

    A: Tie between The Room, Troll 2, The Story of Ricky and Lone Wolf McQuade.

    Q: Favorite animal?

    A: Flying foxes, because they have the balls to call themselves foxes when they’re obviously bats.

    Q: If you hadn’t gone into writing, what would you have done?

    A: Landscape architecture. At least that’s what the aptitude tests said I should do.

    Q: What’s the worst job you ever had?

    A: I spent a summer in the Wal-Mart meat department, which was pretty horrid. But I also helped clean out a rental house where a guy had died and been eaten by his many cats. So I’d probably put that atop the list.

    Q: Don’t you think this gimmick has run on long enough?

    A: Yeah, probably.

     /  Notes